The Forest of Doom: 1, 261: SHOPPING!

     Well, after a neatly personal Background that establishes that Lucky knows about as much of what's going on as a drunk messenger pigeon lost in the Large Hadron Collider, it's time to begin our adventure proper. So...

     Once upon a time, in a far off forest, there lived a horrible lizard creature...

     "I wissssssh"

     A strange old wizard.

      "More than anything."

      Some hammerless dwarfs...

      "I wish."

      And their champion.

      "More than anything!"

     That is a tower. Fantasy adventure, here we come!

     The trees tops do look like clouds, lacking internal detail, but I kind of like it. Makes it easy to focus on the important details. Less a fan of how the forest looks like a wooden wall, but you can't win them all.

     A store that is difficult to find... this is either the sign of a poor store owner or one operating outside of the law. Still, according to the map... it should be around here somewhere. The path goes right by it. Who builds a tower next to a road and then hides it so far away? Does he not want to sell anything?

No, it was pretty wild, true or not.

     With a whistle on my lips I knock on the door.

     I am slightly embarrassed to have knocked before noticing the bell, but I'm impressed by the quiet forest. They say animals dislike magic, so it may be a sign of genuine power.

     "I am called Lucky," I call back, "I was sent here by a dying dwarf to buy goods from a great mage named Yaztromo." I take it from the door remaining closed that this is not a well trained servant I'm speaking with.

     Uh... yeah. I just wrote that.

     Oh, good, the merchant wizard answers his own door, promising.

     At no point has the text indicated that the door was actually opened for me to go in. Just the wooden eye-slot. How am I supposed to follow him through that?

      It is bad luck to attack a wizard, doubly so in his own home, and triply so on false pretenses. I follow him inside.

Choice: Follow Him: 261

     The wizard has difficulty ascending one flight of stairs, and yet chooses to remain in this tower so far from any help or sensible flooring plans. All of this bodes most exceptionally well, and definitely isn't a sign that something very wrong is going on here.

     My fingers find my token of the Lady and fiddle with it without my commanding them.

      I take the slate with resignation. Anyone who writes prices after looking at you is going to to scam the teeth off of you.

     Ooh boy, there's a list. You know what? Let's do this. 30 Gold Pieces. Quick fire round!

Misspelt. It's for training dogs.

      Not dying is always a plus.

Buy: 30-3=27

Remember, magicians, set up your plant before controlling them.

     In a forest? Seems ideal. Do you drink it or spray it on the target?

Buy: 27-2=25 

It's just ice.

     Potion of what? Why would you want to be still? How dumb does this wizard think I am?

Skip.

Insects are well known fr their discipline. This spell replicates it!

     Hm... again, in a forest, that's a lot of horrible things to control. Bet it tastes gross, though.

Buy: 25-2=23

Warning: Anti-Poison is highly toxic when consumed without poison. Do not drink when well.

     Yeah, not dying still ranks high on my list.

Buy: 23-2=21

Fresh sweat from Calneth the Bold Himself!

     Well, if it said which god, maybe. Can't risk taking water from a god the lady disapproves of.

Skip.

Changes spectrum to match your mood!

     "Ring of... Light? Like it glows? I have a lantern, thanks."

Skip

As worn by Tarhiel, the Bosmer mage (deceased)

     It's one way to reach the top shelf.

21-2=19

So... a rope?

      "What's so special about the rope?" I ask the Yaztromo.

      "It's magically good for climbing," he says. He does not elaborate.

Skip

That... that's definitely just a net.

     "Is this even magic," I say, pointing at the net on the list. The wizard just shrugs. Bet he thinks it's mysterious.

Skip

It's just a rainbow with the word 'Pride written on it."

     That's what I need! Come to Lucky!

Buy: 19-3=16

They've got flubber on them.

      I hold up the glove in question. "It's left handed."

      Yaztromo looks at me over his spectacles. "And?"

     "Dextrous means 'right'."

      He sighs in aggravation, "But dexterity means skilled."

      "Seems unfair."

      He shrugs with incredible ease.

Buy: 16-2=14

One branch with a single fork.

     "Can it tell what water is foul and what is fresh?" I ask.

     "Buy it and see," Yaztromo says.

      I glare at him. 

      He smiles smugly back.

Buy: 14-2=12 

You stick them in your ear to hear the sounds of France.

     "This... this is garlic. It's not magic," I say, holding up the bulbs.

      "Isn't it?" he asks, with an intentional layer of enigmatic-ness. 

       I'm about to continue this debate when my stomach rumbles.

Buy: 12-2=10

Highly elastic. Keeps the eyelids pulled back tight so you at least look focused.

     "Concentration?" I ask in surprise.

      "Hm...?" he says, looking up from a book with a bemused expression.

      Yeah... wouldn't want to end up like that in the woods.

Buy: 10-3=7

A small label on each says simply, "NG".

      Fire in the woods seems... dangerous... so that's a "duh".

Buy: 7-3=4

New evergreen scent! 

     Considering all the stenches of the Forest, I buy them without a thought.

Buy: 4-3=1

     I keep the last coin. My lucky coin.

     "Could I maybe see the labels before buying them?"

      Or, for that matter, after?

     Oh... right... this is going to take a bit...

Ta-Da!

     I nod along, "Right, he can't arouse his people without his hammer. Yeah, I see where this joke is going."

     "Joke?" the old wizard asks.

      "Yeah," I continue, "How he can't construct an erection anymore. How he-"

      "Young lady!" Yaztromo snaps. "I meant nothing of the sort! Arouse their passions! Their patriotism! Not their genitals."

      "Oh... sorry."

Arm... trapped... under... infodump... must... saw...off...

     "I... who told you those rumors?" I ask.

      Yaztromo shrugs, "The forest talks."

      "What, like birds and trees and stuff?"

      "What is it, exactly, that you think wizards do all day?"

      "Uh... read books? Talk to the inanimate things? Cast spells?"

       He shakes his head. "I have heard things. Leave it at that."

     "Well, if what you've... heard is accurate, then I expect you have been a truly great help. Thank you kindly, and may the Lady bless your steps."

     "I bless my own steps," Yaztromo replies, holding up the flask of Holy Water and tipping it towards me. "Thank you for your custom."

Choice: Down: 177